The act of sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It’s pretty much why we all wake up when our alarm goes off, as opposed to fist-pounding the snooze button, and staying in bed. I mean, it’s human instinct to try and mate.
Another human instinct, shifting gears a bit, is our impulse to discuss things of pleasure. This is why we have a formal language – to conduct these discussions in the most coherent way possible.
It’s not a new concept. Movies have been reviewed since the beginning of time. Food has been critiqued by predominantly portly and smug men for centuries. Why do you think sex would be any different?
Men have been sharing their primitive conquests since the Stone Age.
No joke. I even heard somewhere that cavemen developed a series of grunts, during the Neolithic Era, solely to construe their sexual endeavors to their fellow cave-peeps. I wish I could provide the link to where I acquired that knowledge, but it appears that I’ve lost it.
I could’ve sworn I bookmarked that one, too. Ferk. Anyways, I guess I’ll just provide a list of 15 things guys tell their homies, today – in present day – after sleeping with a lady. It might even be you.
Disclaimer: Ladies, you’re guilty of it, too — just look at the 46 things all her friends know about the guy she’s slept with.
1. YOUR GROOMING ETIQUETTE DOWN UNDER.
If it resembles the scalp of Screech from “Saved By The Bell” on a humid summer day after it rained, yeah, our boys will probably hear all about it in the morning.
2. YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS.
Essentially, after you have sex with a guy, your sexual capabilities will most certainly be judged – and graded in line with a Madden-styled rating rubric (out of a hundred).
If you really killed it, and I mean REALLY killed it, we’d probably relay to our boys that your sex game was something like a 97. So, you’re basically the intercourse-equivalent of a, say, LeSean McCoy. That’s good, that’s real good.
3. HOW MUCH MONEY WE SPENT ON YOU.
If you didn’t pay for the cab(s), they’ll know. If you didn’t offer to pay for a round? They’ll know that too. Moral of the story?
If you appear to be cheaper than a Chanel bag on Canal Street, our boys will know that. It’s not because we think you’re a bad person – we’re just, ultimately, even cheaper – and keep tabs on this type of upper echelon bullsh*t.
4. HOW LONG THE FOREPLAY WAS.
Not so much if it’s short, but if it starts becoming fiveplay and sixplay, it definitely enters the realms of discussion – solely out of curiosity for what ELSE you could have possibly been doing in bed together naked that doesn’t qualify as sex.
5. YOUR CONTRACEPTIVE AFFAIRS POLICY.
In an ideal world, condoms should always be worn (unless, of course, you’re trying to procreate). But for whatever reason, even on one-night things, guys will EXPECT not to use them, as if a “condom” is some alien concept to them, like, “A condom? What the heck is that contraption?”
So yeah, that’s included.
6. HOW MANY TIMES YOU DID, OR DIDN’T, ORGASM.
For many guys, getting a girl to orgasm is rarer than a patty of steak tartare with a golden ticket nestled underneath it. So if we can accomplish this once, let alone numerous times, it’s definitely the type of message that we like deliver to our boys with a trumpet-led-introduction.
Like, you’ll be at the bagel place with the squad and all of a sudden – BRM BRM BRM BRMMMMMMMMM – “She came.”
7. IF THERE WERE MORNING ACTIVITIES.
Our crew will know if we had s’more sex the morning after INSTANTLY, we don’t even have to tell them. When we show up to our homie’s crib on a Saturday to watch college football at noon, and the sh*t-eating grin on our faces doesn’t fade by halftime – it’s a pretty safe bet we got laid.
8. HOW MUCH NOISE YOU MADE.
Not in a bad way, more in an exploratory way. Sex noises are an extremely curious topic. We’re clearly going to extrapolate your sexual symphonies after doing the nasty.
Some ladies sound like Sharapova ripping a huge forehand winner. For others, it’s more like a panting hound. Sometimes it’s like a potpourri of different sounds made by Michael Jackson while dancing. Those are everyone’s favorite.
9. SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR ASS…
I’ll leave this one pretty vague. There isn’t really one set thing about your ass that we’ll habitually comment on, it’s just sort of the “Reader’s Digest” version of our interpretation.
A helpful comparison would be wine tasting. There are a lot of the same components in play. Shape, complexion, legs, aroma and even aftertaste – if things go from 0 to 100, real quick.
10. …/IF THERE WAS ANY ASS PLAY?
Our homies are unequivocally inquisitive about whether or not this happened. Even with matters completely unrelated to said sex.
For instance, I could saunter into the common room with a brown bag – directly after tipping the delivery lady for some f*cking pad thai – and it’s pretty much a given that one of my friends will at least ask if there was anything ass-related at some point during the exchange.
Like, what? So, yeah, ass play is revealed rather swiftly.
11. IF YOU SPENT THE NIGHT.
Purely out of amazement that you were eager about sleeping in the filth box we call our “room.” I mean, we’re dirty by nature, but we also don’t ever expect to actually bring women back here. So when you WANT to stay, it’s big doings.
Like, c’mon, I had to take my sheets out of the drier, and dress the bed, before we could have sex – I’m obviously telling the team.
12. YOUR BACKGROUND DEETS.
You know, standard background check procedure. Your vitals. Fact is, a lot of times guys can’t remember the earlier stages of the night, anyway, so this segment is usually pretty quick.
It’s like, I know she was from Long Island, and she definitely graduated from a school in the Big 10, but the rest is kinda escaping me. Yeah, she had long hair, too. Earrings as well. I hope she ain’t waiting on me to send that Facebook friend request.
Yeah, damn right because finding the right “Lindsay from Roslyn”– with the “Wisconsin” filter on – is about as reasonable as trying to pick up a kernel of rice with chopsticks. Using only your feet.
13. WHAT YOUR CLIQUE LOOKS LIKE.
This is for the team. If you rolled up to the club with an entourage of dimes, a true gentleman will try to spread the word, and wealth, to his cronies. Who said chivalry was dead?
14. IF TEETH WERE INVOLVED.
Penises are in many ways like popsicles, except they have nerve endings and aren’t simply shafts of frozen fruit juice. Now, if you wouldn’t bite a popsicle – I’m engrossed over what aspect of A BODILY APPENDAGE would encourage doing otherwise?
15. HOW LONG (OR QUICK) IT WAS.
Bro 1: So… how was it, breh?
Bro 2: She was amazing.
Bro 1: Yeah?
Bro 2: Dude. I lasted like 20-something strokes for her.
Bro 1: So, over a minute this time?
Bro 2: I said strokes, not minutes – that’s on me.