I recently came upon an article, 21 ways To Make Him Propose To You!
I had really important things to do, like read my books, so of course I had to stop to read this.
Women already work full time for less money than men, made the diet industry worth a gazillion dollars and spend our formative years watching porn to learn how to completely suppress our gagging reflexes.
1. Look great for him. Men are visual.
Yes, he’s visual. That’s why he’s addicted to YouPorn. Unless you have another chick and can deep throat a python, you lose. And what about how jacked up he looks? Splashing your dick in the sink to get a blow jay does not count as hygiene.
2. Smell Great for him.
Never mind that sleeping in the same room with my Ex was like Weekend At Auschwitz. Welcome to the Gas Chamber. Between him and my son I risked asphyxiation daily.
3. Stop nagging and complaining.
Yes, I’m sure you’d love it if the only tine I opened my mouth was to fellate you. I wouldn’t nag you if the garage didn’t look like we stumbled onto an episode of Hoarders, what with that important paperwork from the 80′s and all.
4. Love him. More than anything.
Ohhh, now we’re trapped in an Erectile Dysfunction commercial. The gorgeous mature couple are laughing and frolicking on the beach and it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slipped her the high hard one since the Bush administration. Fuck that. Smother him in his sleep and sport fuck the 25-year-old trainers at the gym. They get hard ons when someone opens a can of tuna.
5. Love Yourself. Be secure and radiate positive energy, smile every day.
Why not add to this “walk on the moon?” Psychotherapy is a billion dollar industry. You want the economy to crumble just because you popped Xanax to imitate an escaped mental patient?
6. Be devoted.
That’s right, focus your energy obsessively on him until he’s at the point where he fantasizes waterboarding you. Blind devotion is creepy. The next thing you know you’ve given away all your worldly possessions, shaved your head and you’re dancing around Los Angeles International Airport playing your karatala with Hare Krishnas.
7. Like his friends.
Even if they’re imbeciles, like his best friend who tried to finger fuck you in the kitchen during Super Bowl Sunday. And then peed on your floor. Oh, goody! You found someone to urinate all over your house without even looking on Craig’s list.
8. Be a sex goddess.
Did they really tell you to fulfill all his fantasies? Do they know he’s into acrotomophilia? (sexual attraction to amputees) Are you gonna chop your legs off for this motherfucker? And never shoe shop again? And you forget you chopped off your legs, and you wake up Friday morning, all, “Hey, it’s the weekend, I’m gonna go dancing!” and then you are like, “Ohh. That’s right. I can never dance again because I have no legs.”
9. Cook well. Or at least try.
Whew, it smells like the 1950s in here. Okay, I happen to love to cook. It relaxes me. But my BFF says it stresses her the fuck out. So here’s what you do. If he’s an asshole, poison him slowly, over a month. Just put traces of cyanide in his food as he grows progressively weaker. Then one day, he keels over. Bon appetit, motherfucker.
10. Love is in the details. Give him gifts, massage and pamper him.
I’m not gonna massage your hairy back, Sasquatch. If you’re nice I’ll give you a handjob – that counts as a massage in my book. And YOU buy ME the gifts. You don’t need an occasion. It’s the grand opening of a pack of cigarettes. Boom.
11. Appreciate him.
Yes, because it’s so nice of him to hold your hair back during his morning blow job.
12. Stroke his ego.
Because his narcissism has only partially destroyed you. Let’s feed that monster until your soul is crushed irreparably.
13. Make him feel like a man.
Really? I have a better idea. Why don’t you just come fully formed as one already? How long do you get to be a boy? Isn’t there an expiration date on that shit? You get to put your dick in my vagina. If that isn’t manly enough for you, then go build something. Or kill a deer.
14. Help him grow by being his partner, not his enemy. Help him fulfill his potential, maybe even his destiny.
Well, aren’t WE lofty. You neglect your dreams and ambitions and pour all your energy into someone who will exploit you. This is straight out of the Ike Turner “How to Treat A Bitch” handbook.
15. Have a life and a passion.
Not so that YOU can flourish. But to be a better girlfriend for HIM. Hear that horrible creaking death rattle? That’s Betty Friedan rolling over in her grave.
16. Be better than all of his ex’s combined.
Okay, this isn’t too creepy. As if women aren’t competitive enough. Now you have a reason to justify stalking all his ex’s on social media. But you’re the new and improved version. Which means you have to pay the price for every crazy bitch his dick ever fell into.
17. Give him space.
Sure, give him space, give him the whole galaxy. Just know that what he’s doing with that space is fucking your friends. Especially the one who comes to visit from out of town, because, you know. She’s in the house and all.
18. Have a pleasing personality.
Is it just me, or does this one just makes you want to bludgeon him to death with your own amputated leg? (see #8) How about If I stick you in a cage, cover you in birdseed and let a bunch of agitated birds peck the shit out of you. Does that please you?
19. Don’t take him for granted; don’t be lazy.
Never mind that his toenails are a deadly weapon and his inner ears are dotted with sexy blackheads. Or that he thinks a date is him belching to Netflix.
20. Work out regularly.
Guess what? This has everything to do with me wanting to be strong and nothing to do with looking good for you. Doesn’t this work both ways? I don’t appreciate having to lift your stomach with both hands to find your dick.
21. Be feminine.
How about I put on some lingerie, and grab this girly feminine pink pistol I purchased and shoot you in the throat? I’m pretty sure that’s legal in the South.
There was actually more advice, but I can’t continue. I need to do something less excruciating, so I’ll be giving myself a urethral catheter.
Do you have other suggestions on how to be the perfect girlfriend?
Does this article make you want to projectile vomit?
Why do I waste time on the Internet when I have a million pressing things to do?
Talk to me. I’m listening.